REPOST BECAUSE IT'S AMAZING
i totally didn't remember this AT ALL until caroline myspace bulletined about it. all i know is i woke up at 7 am in brooklyn on a couch VERY CONFUSED as to why i was in brooklyn, but now it makes sense...i was on the run from the mafia!!!
CAROLINE'S POST.....
it's ROBBIE FROM 7TH HEAVEN AND HERE IS WHY HE IS A NEEDLEDICKED PINHEAD.
last night my friend julie and i went to stache, a normally very gay party, with the goal of drinking ourselves into a state of oblivion. well, we did that and THEN WE GOT INTO A FIGHT WITH THE IDIOT PICTURED ABOVE.
what started the whole thing was the fact that he and his girlfriend were dancing in the most gratuitously heterosexual fashion i have ever witnessed. now- i am no heterophobe. but it just so happens that when i go to a gay bar with visions of ladies dancing in my head, the last thing i want to see is some drunk d-bag dry humping his harlot of a girlfriend 2 feet to my left. in between songs he would pause to flash a smirk-plus-tongue-wag at his similarly idiotic friends. hate. him. oh and he's wearing a neon orange and brown camo mesh-backed trucker hat. you know, in case he needs to blend in with the traffic cones out front.
so about an hour or so later his girlfriend gets on the bar and starts dancing. he has his face in her crotch. WHAT an eyesore. i'm not exactly clear on what happened next but apparently julie ran up to him while he was sitting in a booth with his gf and stole his hat. she then hid it... somewhere. don't ask me, i was about 19 sheets to the wind at this point.
his girlfriend comes up to me in the middle of the bar and asks me where his hat is. i am like "what. are. you talking about."
her: my boyfriend's louis vuitton hat. where is it? it was very expensive.
me: "...blink..."
her: we are willing to press charges
me: what
her: do you even know who he is? he's a tv star. he was on 7th heaven
me: are
her: listen. his family is in the mob. we can have them break your legs and there is nothing you can do about it
me: you
her: seriously. you'll never see it coming
me: TALKING ABOUT
anyway at this point he comes up and is all "i found the hat." i am laughing so fucking hard at this point that i dont even know what to do with myself. i am picturing the entire cast of 7th heaven hopping out of an SUV and hobbling me with a sledge hammer and then throwing me into the East River. oh. my god.
so once the bar owners turn the truth lights on julie and i are out of there. i am immitating the guy's girlfriend very loudly as we leave the bar. "IF I DONT GET MY DIAHRRHEHEHEA COLORED EXPENSIVE TRUCKER CAP BACK I AM GOING TO BREAK YOUR LEGS *AND* PRESS CHARGES. YOU MIGHT REMEMBER ME FROM MY CHILDHOOD PART ON THE COSBY MYSTERIES. OR PERHAPS YOU'VE SEEN THE RECENT FILM the house is burning IN WHICH I PLAYED THE MEMORABLE CHARACTER ' Party Guest.'
they are sitting right outside the door. and they hear everything.
at this point the dude's friend, who is ALSO a child star but i cant for the life of me peg where i remember him from which is VERY disappointing since my skills in this area are usually so sharp. anyway his friend starts following us and calling us thieving bums.
him: you thieving bums! where do you work?
me: I WORK FOR BUSINESSWEEK YOU MORON
him: HA i dont even READ that!
me: EITHER DO I
then i told him to get his fat toddler head the fuck out of my face because he was making me feel sick with the lopsidedness of his fat toddler head. his response? YEAH WELL YOU HAVE CURLY HAIR AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS A THIEVING BUM. AND YOUR TATTOO IS STUPID
i'm sure other things were said but i was so drunk all i could do was laugh and call him giant toddler head.
oh and here is a funny myspace message from a friend who was there:
Oh yes, I was there for all of that pseudo mafioso "you'll get your knees broken" Louis Vuitton hunter orange bullshit and my favorite part was when that little hooker was getting up in your grill you looked right at her with the most beautifully amused expression and laughed right in her dumb face.
only in new york, kids. only in new york!
CAROLINE'S POST.....
If I Wind Up Hobbled, This Is Why
does this look like the face of a complete a-hole?
it's ROBBIE FROM 7TH HEAVEN AND HERE IS WHY HE IS A NEEDLEDICKED PINHEAD.
last night my friend julie and i went to stache, a normally very gay party, with the goal of drinking ourselves into a state of oblivion. well, we did that and THEN WE GOT INTO A FIGHT WITH THE IDIOT PICTURED ABOVE.
what started the whole thing was the fact that he and his girlfriend were dancing in the most gratuitously heterosexual fashion i have ever witnessed. now- i am no heterophobe. but it just so happens that when i go to a gay bar with visions of ladies dancing in my head, the last thing i want to see is some drunk d-bag dry humping his harlot of a girlfriend 2 feet to my left. in between songs he would pause to flash a smirk-plus-tongue-wag at his similarly idiotic friends. hate. him. oh and he's wearing a neon orange and brown camo mesh-backed trucker hat. you know, in case he needs to blend in with the traffic cones out front.
so about an hour or so later his girlfriend gets on the bar and starts dancing. he has his face in her crotch. WHAT an eyesore. i'm not exactly clear on what happened next but apparently julie ran up to him while he was sitting in a booth with his gf and stole his hat. she then hid it... somewhere. don't ask me, i was about 19 sheets to the wind at this point.
his girlfriend comes up to me in the middle of the bar and asks me where his hat is. i am like "what. are. you talking about."
her: my boyfriend's louis vuitton hat. where is it? it was very expensive.
me: "...blink..."
her: we are willing to press charges
me: what
her: do you even know who he is? he's a tv star. he was on 7th heaven
me: are
her: listen. his family is in the mob. we can have them break your legs and there is nothing you can do about it
me: you
her: seriously. you'll never see it coming
me: TALKING ABOUT
anyway at this point he comes up and is all "i found the hat." i am laughing so fucking hard at this point that i dont even know what to do with myself. i am picturing the entire cast of 7th heaven hopping out of an SUV and hobbling me with a sledge hammer and then throwing me into the East River. oh. my god.
so once the bar owners turn the truth lights on julie and i are out of there. i am immitating the guy's girlfriend very loudly as we leave the bar. "IF I DONT GET MY DIAHRRHEHEHEA COLORED EXPENSIVE TRUCKER CAP BACK I AM GOING TO BREAK YOUR LEGS *AND* PRESS CHARGES. YOU MIGHT REMEMBER ME FROM MY CHILDHOOD PART ON THE COSBY MYSTERIES. OR PERHAPS YOU'VE SEEN THE RECENT FILM the house is burning IN WHICH I PLAYED THE MEMORABLE CHARACTER ' Party Guest.'
they are sitting right outside the door. and they hear everything.
at this point the dude's friend, who is ALSO a child star but i cant for the life of me peg where i remember him from which is VERY disappointing since my skills in this area are usually so sharp. anyway his friend starts following us and calling us thieving bums.
him: you thieving bums! where do you work?
me: I WORK FOR BUSINESSWEEK YOU MORON
him: HA i dont even READ that!
me: EITHER DO I
then i told him to get his fat toddler head the fuck out of my face because he was making me feel sick with the lopsidedness of his fat toddler head. his response? YEAH WELL YOU HAVE CURLY HAIR AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS A THIEVING BUM. AND YOUR TATTOO IS STUPID
i'm sure other things were said but i was so drunk all i could do was laugh and call him giant toddler head.
oh and here is a funny myspace message from a friend who was there:
Oh yes, I was there for all of that pseudo mafioso "you'll get your knees broken" Louis Vuitton hunter orange bullshit and my favorite part was when that little hooker was getting up in your grill you looked right at her with the most beautifully amused expression and laughed right in her dumb face.
only in new york, kids. only in new york!
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