giving thanks

The Joyless Club

thanks again to Harper's Magazine.

The Joyless Club

From personal ads posted on Asexual Marriage Net, a marriage broker website in china. More than 7,000 people have joined since the website was launched last year. Translated from the Chinese by Daniel Mattingly.

Sex has never interested me. In fact, I find it a little filthy. The doctor told me this is common, but it is not a short-term feeling I can change. I hope to find a girl in the same plight. One day we can walk down the aisle together, raise children, support our parents, and spend our energy on work and living a good, happy life.

- Little Jiang, male, age twenty-three

I hope you already understand the social and sexual sides of marriage. Let’s concentrate on the social side.

-Shriveled Pebble, male, age thirty-two

Due to a physical dysfunction, I cannot have sex. I don’t dare let a woman love me, since I do not want to harm an innocent girl or ruin another person’s life. But whenever I look at the gray hairs of my parents, the pressure to marry has me feeling beat. I must repay them for the decades they spent raising me. Maybe you and I can come together to make a house of misfortune?

-Hand in Hand Forever, male, thirty-five

I suffer from premature ejaculation. I had a love affair, but it ended unhappily. Nowadays, I only think about finding my other half. I could have a little sex, or none, whatever.

-Heartfelt Love, male, thirty-six

I do not want to ruin an innocent heterosexual, but with the passing of my thirty-fourth birthday, the stress is mounting. I have not had a girlfriend to show my friends and colleagues. Whether we get married is not important - at least I will save my face.

-Zong Ling, male, age thirty-four

I’m an elegant, honest, intellectual woman who likes platonic love affairs and wishes for this kind of marriage. We can establish a family that is warm and sexless.

-Feng Yalan, female, age twenty-four

I am not beautiful or seductive, but I am honest. Because of a birth defect, I might be unable to have a normal sex life. If two people don’t have sex, can there be love? Can an asexual couple have a happy life together? I believe yes.

- Wishing for Love, female, age twenty-eight

God doomed me from birth to live out my life as half a man. I know this means I cannot love whom I want and I cannot accept a woman’s love. I only want to find someone as unfortunate as me, so we can face our destinies together.

-Expecting Loneliness, male, thirty-two

I don’t have any diseases. I am just cold in bed.

-Cucumber, female, age twenty-three

just a thought

it seems somewhat risky to have celebrity endorsements for products like Life-Alert. we all have to die sometime, after all.

awww...the perfect baby shower gift!!!

from the people at thoseshirts.com comes this adorable baby shirt!

Jim Gibbons is governor. Nevada is stupid.

The rest of the country begins coming to its senses, and Nevada votes in a man who:

1- is a confirmed plagiarist of anti-liberal hate speeches. His brilliant- "Tree-hugging, Birkenstock-wearing, hippie, tie-dyed liberals [in Hollywood should]… go make their movies and their music and whine somewhere else…. It's just too damn bad we didn't buy them a ticket [to become human shields in Iraq].” –speech was actually stolen from another right wing nutjob, and that right wing nutjob didn’t appreciate the theft.

2-the wall street journal reported took a bribe-cruise (Patrick Swayze and the dude who played j. Peterman on Seinfeld were on the same cruise, which is hilarious) from a political contributor named Warren Trepp (of the Michael Milken S&L scandal) and is probably going to face ethics violations charges for it.

3- is also facing sexual assault charges (about which I’ve had to dodge reporters, make police statements two times, and read my name in the paper every god damned morning, as I was the cocktail waitress lucky enough to serve our future governor and the lady he allegedly assaulted their cocktails prior to the alleged incident), and who

4- claims he's tough on illegal immigrants, but knowingly hired one for years----and she says he used to MAKE HER HIDE IN THE BASEMENT.

5- was voted worst person in the universe on Keith Olberman’s countdown on msnbc.

Gee, Nevada. You sure are awesome.