this makes me laugh.

if fox news had been around 2000 years ago....

halloween. what a rip.

i have my mommie dearest costume all ready to go...my options are depressing.

i can either drive to the valley and hang out with a bunch of gay dudes with speed problems or go to a dimmak event that will almost definitely be attended by at least 40% of the individuals i have slept with thus far in my life and will absolutely, positively feature shovelloads of cocaine.

both scenarios make me want to wear pajamas until wednesday.

pictures from new york. finally.

these pretty much sum it up.

portia and ellen sitting in a tree

michele from work snapped this with her camera phone.

god bless these two.

tivomigod are you fucking lazy

this guy my roommate was dating bought us (actually her, but i live with her) a tivo as a farewell present. he sold his house in venice beach and left yesterday morning in order to travel the world. this is typical of both our love lives- finally meeting someone who doesn't have an addiction problem or a major personality disorder...only to have him leave the continent a few weeks later. in either case, a tivo is a much better romantic gesture than flowers or candy.
my roommate's list of "to do" recordings consists of stuff like The American Experience and BBC World News.
My selections, on the other hand, allowed me to wake up this morning and watch the ER episode with Ray Liotta (saddest episode ever...still crying) and Hellraiser- all with no commercial interruptions!
God I love Hellraiser. You might not know this about me (although I'm sure this won't be a surprise to you either way) but I am both empathetic towards and vaguely attracted to Pinhead. He's not evil- he's just doing his job. He's kind of like a meter maid that way. Plus, he's in eternal agony. He's just about the most nuanced film villain of all time. How can you hate someone who's in eternal agony? His guts are all turned around and it hurts.

other celebrity diners!

this week alone....joey buttafuoco and jasmine guy! we're a D LIST MECCA!

love is in the haricot verts

Today i waited on Princess Ann Claire. Haven't heard of Princess Ann Claire? I'll let our good friends at E! Entertainment Television introduce you:

The Facts: The granddaughter of HIH Princess Shams of the Pahlavi Dynasty, Princess Ann Claire is the eldest of three daughters raised in London.

The Royal Treatment: Ann Claire is rebelling against the stereotypical life of a traditional princess. She has moved to Los Angeles to pursue a career as a country-music singer. And much to her parents' dissatisfaction, she dates questionable men who are the furthest thing from royalty. Her parents have delivered the following ultimatum: Find a suitable suitor, or move back to London with them. If she chooses neither, she'll be singing the blues, financially cut off and left to her own devices.

Some other facts about and relating to the princess:

• She's a terrible, terrible singer.
• She dines out with swarthy, obese men of uncertain nationality who wear mesh shirts and carry Louis Vuitton man purses.
• She tips 7%.
  
• She left a copy of her latest musical endeavor behind after tipping 7% and leaving the restaurant.
  
• My manager told me that taking the above mentioned CD home with me would qualify as "theft."
• My manager has promised me the exclusive ownership rights of the two-time-above-mentioned CD in ten days if she does not return to retrieve it.
  
• My manager, a German who I like in general but loathe in specific situations, knows all about the princess and claims the fact that she even exists, let alone that there is a reality TV show about her existence, makes him want to puke.
  
• I will send copies of the thrice-above-mentioned CD to every person I have ever met when I get my paws on it in ten days.

port-a-party

so last night the clothing store next door to my house had a big party in their parking lot. their parking lot is separated from my back yard by a chain link fence. it was disturbing enough listening to the terrible music they blasted well into the wee hours. don't they realize people LIVE HERE? PEOPLE WHO SUFFER FROM DEPRESSION AND ARE TRYING TO COCOON THEMSELVES INTO A SELF-INDUCED COMA FOR THE EVENING? i mean, seriously. it's after 9 pm on a saturday, you assholes.

but the morning light revealed something even worse. a line of portapotties that are maybe 20 inches from my kitchen window.

lulu and mijo

if you know anyone in the los angeles area interested in giving 2 amazing dogs a home....

Loving Home Needed For Two Adorable Dogs!!!

We need to find a home for our 2 dogs.
Lulu is an aggressively dumb four year old female pure bred fawn Pug/bundle of love,
and Mijo is an incredibly smart (and devious) five year old male black and white Chihuahua.

We are moving to Las Vegas, and the hot climate is unsuitable for Pugs.


THEY ARE BEST FRIENDS AND CANNOT BE SEPARATED!!!

Lulu, who has a perfect triple-curled tail and rose petal ears, enjoys chewing and swallowing tissues, tinfoil, and wine corks…pretty much anything that doesn’t bite her back. She also enjoys licking Mijo’s dog-leg-armpits. Additionally, she spends a lot of time being afraid of (and barking at) inanimate objects such as stuffed animals and hats. Her nicknames include: Landshark, Dumbelina, Babygirl, and Lil’ Monster.

Mijo is the shiniest, tiniest guy in town- with the whitest, brightest paws. And he likes to squirrel away any tiny thing he can get those paws on. These things include guitar picks, disposable razors, bottle caps, and poker chips. He is a social eater who will transport however much kibble (usually 2 pieces) he can hold inside his little mouth into whichever room you are in so that he can eat with you. His nicknames include: Mijovovich and Neutered Newton.

Both dogs love eating, wrestling and sleeping. They also love socks. They will attempt to eat off your plate as you enjoy your meal. They have no shame.

Both dogs are loving and full of spirit. They are also undisciplined (through no fault of their own), and spoiled rotten. They need an adoptive family that gives them a yard, lots of attention, long walks, and all the love they deserve. It breaks our hearts to let them go, but we can’t offer them the lifestyle they should have. If you can offer them these things, please call or e-mail Scarlett for an interview.
Phone: 213 483-1796
Email: SDewittShehan@yahoo.com

***Be warned in advance that we must visit your home and put you through the third degree before we can give you our dogs. If you aren’t prepared to give us all you’ve got, don’t waste your (or our) time.

correction

randall- who lives up the street and knows way too much about everything- has informed me that jeane kirkpatrick, whom i mentioned in my previous post, has quite a reputation on the beltway as a boozehound.

this explains everything. i felt almost sorry for her when i thought she had alzheimers, but if she's just a drunk she's on her own. we're all drunks...but we don't all deliver drunken, stilted speeches praising jesse helms. seriously. she should smoke some weed.

also- i drove by a paunchy, middle-aged man battling a newspaper machine that had eaten his quarters today. what made it funny was that first he jiggled the latch, then he shook the entire thing, then he gave it a few tiny close-to-the-sidewalk-kicks, and finally he gave it a terrific karate style sidekick...whereupon he slipped in a puddle and fell on his ass.

holy shit. holy rolling shit.

"It is interesting to note that the Nobel Peace Prize won't be awarded this year. When one recalls that Martin Luther King got the prize last year, it may be just as well that the committee decided not to award one this year. Perhaps it was too difficult to choose between Stokely Carmichael and Ho Chi Minh." -- Jesse Helms, October 1966

Helms commenting in 1967 on the fact that a disproportionate number of black North Carolina draftees were rejected for mental reasons: "No intelligent Negro citizen should be insulted by a reference to this very plain fact of life. It is time to face honestly and sincerely the purely scientific statistical evidence of natural racial distinction in group intellect. ... There is no bigotry either implicit or intended in such a realistic confrontation with the facts of life. ... Those who would undertake to solve the problem by merely spending more money, and by massive forced integration, may be doing the greatest injustice of all to the Negro."

I can't sleep and BookTV has the JESSE HELMS TRIBUTE on. holy shit, y'all.

Highlights so far include:
BEVERLY LA HAYE- who is, indeed, married to TIM LA HAYE - the dude who writes those terrible Left Behind books about Jesus and machine guns

BOB NOVAK (my favorite right-wing shill)

JERRY FALWELL (who's still smarting over that whole sponge bob/ tinky winky thing)

and PHYLLIS SCHLAFLY-the founder of the Eagle Forum, Illinois' 1992 mother of the year and: America's best-known advocate of the dignity and honor that we as a society owe to the role of fulltime homemaker, Mrs. Schlafly is the mother of six children ONE OF WHOM IS GAY, FYI

ALSO, WAYNE LAPIERRE- the CEO of the NRA presented him with a REVOLVER that features a BIBLICAL INSCRIPTION.
Yes, a biblical inscription. on a revolver.

On a side note- In addition to being a fulltime homemaker and the mother of six children, Ms. Schlafly (who would hate being referred to as a MS.) is also A TERRIBLE POET WHO WROTE A POEM. A POEM FOR JESSE HELMS. THAT RHYMED .

This is the most surreal thing I have ever seen in my entire life. There are at least 500 (white) people in the Marriot Crystal Gateway convention room, and I swear to God maybe 12 of them are under 80.

And, oh boy, Jeane Kirkpatrick just spoke and she's obviously suffering from alzheimers or something because she can't finish a single sentence without saying "ummm" and fumbling with her tenses at least twice. "and um, it was, he was, um the man that who could always be, um counted on to be the man, you know, who'd get that, it, things done."

Salute to Senator Jesse Helms
larger image
	Product ID: 188960-1
	Format: Public Affairs Event
	Event Date: September 20, 2005
	Location: Arlington, Virginia
	Last Aired: September 25, 2005
	Length: 1 hour, 49 minutes
Appearances:
Burr, Richard (R) - U.S. Senator, North Carolina
Dodd, John - President, Jesse Helms Center
Dunlop, George - Aide, U.S. Senate, Helms, J. (R-NC)
Falwell, Jerry - Chancellor, Liberty University
Helms, Jesse (R-NC) - U.S. Senator
Keene, David - Chairman, American Conservative Union
Kirkpatrick, Jeane J. - Ambassador, United States, United Nations
LaHaye, Beverly - President, Concerned Women for America
LaPierre, Wayne - Executive Vice President, National Rifle Association
Larson, Reed - Treasurer, National Right to Work Committee
Novak, Robert - Columnist
Schlafly, Phyllis - Founder and President, Eagle Forum
Weyrich, Paul M. - Chairman and CEO, Free Congress Foundation

the night frets

i cannot seem to quit smoking, eating, or drinking obscene quantities of smoke, food, and alcohol.

my thesis is due in one month. i thought it was due in two months. whoops.

i still haven't learned how to not frown or slouch.

i haven't felt fuckable since june. this is not to say my sex life has suffered, a fact that is equal parts sad and optimistic.

i cannot wait to have a dishwasher and a washer/dryer and grout that doesn't harbor a vast reserve of hidden and unkillable mold that is older than i am.

i wonder if this vertigo thing i can't shake is actually a brain tumor.

i keep having dreams where i am taking a bath with an especially feminine canadian male model. we compare our feet and toes and then we cry about how misunderstood we are and promise to be best friends forever. i do not like waking up from these dreams.

i have to wake up in 6 hours.

fabian basabe: a real class act

A certain New Yorker who will remain unnamed managed to lure me into the class-war-cheerleading-squad that is Filthy Rich Cattle Drive and now I cannot stop watching it. Thank God it is over next week, because I actually feel guilty about the amount of my life I am wasting by watching it. I just hate Fabian Basabe so much that I can't stop tuning in...because it's amazing to me that every week he manages to become MORE LOATHSOME. I can only pray that when the blood of the oppressors runs through the streets in crimson rivers of working class justice, my white middle-class ass will be spared long enough that I will be able to see this tool eat machete before I do. He's like every one-dimensional John Hughes 80's movie rich-boy character ever...except WORSE.

He says things like "I'll have your JOBS!" every time he feels at all threatened. Threatened by things like SOMEONE ELSE GETTING A BIGGER SERVING OF CHILE CON CARNE THAN HE DOES.

I almost hate him as much as i hate the we all loved the house gambling addict from A&E's Intervention. You know, the dude whose parents had to sell their house to cover his gambling debts? But he still managed to feel like the victim of the situation because "that's what parents are supposed to do for their 30 year old never-employed gambling addicted sons"?

"Quit whining about the house! Yes, yes, you loved the house. We ALL loved the house!" like, JESUS, MOM AND DAD. IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU, YOU, YOU.

Anyways---- my favorite Fabian moment, culled from the web. (This is after he broke Lizzie Grubman's Jimmy Choo sandal after shoving her, which is almost awesome and commendable)...

a witness relates: "Randy, the security man, repeatedly asked Fabian to calm down and stop banging into other people, and Fabian threw his black American Express card at Randy's feet and said, 'Don't worry about what I am doing, here's my Amex!' " At that point Randy escorted Basabe outside, where the insufferable "it" boy "became very violent and aggressive." Basabe, who had left a sweater inside, started screaming at the black bouncers, "I want my navy blue Prada! I speak six [bleeping] languages, I have diplomatic immunity . . . Do you understand me, Negros? You [bleep]ing Negros!" "There was an audible gasp from the crowd," said a spectator.